


everything i wanted

by ackerwhat



Category: UP10TION, X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, M/M, Mention of Disbandment, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23155816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackerwhat/pseuds/ackerwhat
Summary: It was one of those days.Where everything was slow and fast-paced at the same time. The clock hand ticked, second by second, slowly, deriding and mocking him. It was loud, amplified, although the decibel couldn’t have disturbed him in any other days. And beyond the wall, outside of his room, he heard his group members going about their mornings—filling the dorm with their endearing noise.Wooseok woke up and he felt like closing his eyes again.
Relationships: Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Kim Wooseok | Wooshin, Go Minsoo | Kogyeol/Kim Wooseok | Wooshin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: this is fiction and just a product of my writing/wildest imagination. please read it with a light heart. title from billie ellish's 'everything i wanted'.
> 
> reboot X1 and stan up10tion!
> 
> tw: mentions of depression and feeling sad + pre-produce wooseok and his backstory + post-disbandment.

* * *

** Chapter 1 **

It was one of those days.

Where everything was slow and fast-paced at the same time. The clock hand ticked, second by second, slowly, deriding and mocking him. It was loud, amplified, although the decibel couldn’t have disturbed him in any other days. And beyond the wall, outside of his room, he heard his group members going about their mornings—filling the dorm with their endearing noise.

Wooseok woke up and he felt like closing his eyes again.

The changes of seasons had always affected him like this. Or maybe it was the book he read before he had fallen asleep last night. Maybe, it was due to his weakened condition, an aftereffect of having the surgery for his eyes. It limited his movements, and albeit he could see better, the discomfort was enough for him to question his decision. Perhaps, it was just the series of recent events that triggered this. The conflict with the show, mean and degrading comments online, homesickness, and, the troubles with his feelings, and, Wooseok didn’t know.

It just came rolling in one day and decided to show up again in his life.

He thought he was getting better. He assumed so, that he was getting better. He’d been feeling better too…

Surprisingly, the survival show had done something right at least, which is showing Wooseok that he’s deserving of love. The attention and support from his fans, families and friends alike had spurted his development and progress in the show. His development and progress in his healing path, emotionally and career-wise. There were support ads for him, events prepared to celebrate him, photo exhibitions and more. All for him.

And the members, they’re everything Wooseok could ask for and more.

Everything felt like festivals all around him.

He is loved, he knew that.

But then again, this feeling was like an old friend. It was familiar. Hard to get rid of.

2 years ago, he had spent the winter carrying a heavy weight in him, leading to the decision to postpone his entire career. A hiatus. He blamed everything and everyone he could, including himself. It was the hardest period of his life, even admitting to ever think of not being able to see the light anymore.

A year ago, he was busy catching up with the rest of his team, fearing that his absence had changed a lot. The pitch back into the industry was exhausting—the fans, his team members had noticed that the time he’d taken off had changed something in him, in one way or another. Wooseok himself had felt so. That albeit performing was an aid, it was terribly fatiguing.

Also, during winter, it was revealed that Jinhyuk and him would be joining the show. He was thrown into another loop of practice, work, and evaluation—back to his trainee days, back to his root. It was hard, but Wooseok had thought that he’d overcame it. That he’d moved on.

He opened his eyes again, noticing the grey hoodie hung behind the door, not belonging to him. His heart ached, and the suffocations doubled, tripled. He noticed the subtle smell of woods and fading cologne. The scented candle he lighted the night before was put out, leaving the burn wick smell lingering in the air.

After close to an hour, laying on his bed, trying to will the darkness back inside his head, away and away from his conscience, Wooseok managed to drag himself to the edge of his bed. _Ah_ , realisation came settling in and it tasted bitter, _I’m not okay… I’m still not okay_.

There were numbers of people he could call, could confide in. Even with just a step outside, he could meet the people who would help him in a beat without any question, that goes undoubtedly. But that would entail him talking about his feelings and all, and Wooseok wasn’t feeling like talking and explaining himself. Not when he himself hadn’t have a clue why this was happening.

He could sense the urge, the _ugly, ugly_ _thoughts_ that threatened to tip him off balance. His hands started shaking and Wooseok tried supressing the wants by hiding his entire hands with his long sleeves. He closed his eyes again, paused to do some breathing exercise. It worked with his anxiety, the physical symptoms, but not the ones that reside in his mind.

The silence became deafening. Or maybe it was the surge of conversations perking up in the living room, in the neighbouring rooms. The ticking of the clock grew louder, louder and louder—engulfing him in a time-bound maze. He couldn’t waste any more time dealing with this, he had to get better. He needed to get rid of this mess.

Did he snap? Did he finally lose his mind? When everything was going so smoothly for him? Did he finally do it and ruin everything?

The door opened.

Someone gasped, took a step backward and muttered a shaky call of ‘hyung’.

Wooseok couldn’t look up.

It went blurry from then on.

* * *

The next moment Wooseok came to his sense, someone was wrapping his hand. With bandage. As if the cloth could stop the darkening red that didn’t seem to be stopping. He was no longer in his room, that he could inferred, and with the sound of the running tap, he realised that someone had dragged him to the bathroom.

No words exchanged. Wooseok wasn’t sure if he could answer anything anyway so he gave a small thank to whoever this person was inwardly. Judging from the hand that tried its best to nurse Wooseok’s injury, it was probably Seungwoo. He hoped it was Seungwoo, not the younger ones, not Seungyoun, _lord_ , please not Seungyoun…

He couldn’t look up. Not yet. Not when guilt was still clouding his mind, pointing out his own foolishness, his own fault. There, gone everything he’d worked on for the past year. All washed off, like his blood. He was still staring at his right hand, the one that had gripped and smashed the alarm clock into tiny, piercing shards of broken glass.

“Wooseok…” It was definitely Seungwoo. Voice firm, laced with something else that Wooseok didn’t want to decipher. He was done with his work, albeit sloppy and unprofessional it was. The leader’s hand was also shaking, trembling, as it gripped loosely on Wooseok’s unharmed one. Afraid that his strong, larger hands would break Wooseok more, in what sense, the leader wasn’t sure.

A huff of an exhale. “Say something,” the older man was fumbling, with his words and even his hand, “ _Please_ ,” He added, sounding broken. Wooseok shut his eyes once more, the wrecked tone of Seungwoo’s words reminded him so painfully of Jinhoo’s, when his other leader found him in the same state once upon a time. It didn’t feel so long since then.

They thought that Wooseok was just being his clumsy self, when they heard the loud crash coming from the vocalist’s room. But upon seeing Wooseok’s soulless gaze, how his hand had crushed the glass pieces with more force, the leader quickly nudged Hyeongjun to the side and strode inside to intervene.

“Say something,” The leader croaked one more time, pleading as he dropped his face on Wooseok’s lap. He was holding back on his tears. “ _Please_ , don’t make me go through this again.” It sounded like a plead to himself, rather than to Wooseok who was still staring emptily into space.

“Kim Wooseok.”

_‘I need to say something’_ , was bordering on Wooseok’s mind. But he couldn’t let out a word, not even a single sound. His throat felt enclosed and he feared that he’d lost his voice. He finally looked up, vision clearing up and saw Seungwoo’s pained expression. ‘ _Does he hate me_?’ was Wooseok’s first thought.

Seungwoo noticed Wooseok’s glance at him, relieved that he’d broken off from his trance. “You there?” Seungwoo tried to smile. He probably wanted to reassure and calm Wooseok down. “It should stop bleeding soon, _no_ , baby,” He brushed open Wooseok’s palm when the younger one tried to examine his hand by curling it. “Don’t, don’t put tension on it.”

“I—” that was his first word of the day, ever since he spent his morning looking up at the ceiling, feeling more miserable than ever. Groggy, unused and weary, he was surprised that he could form a word at the moment. Not when he felt like the world was still closing up on him. “I-I’m fine.”

A lie.

“Just a slip.” Wooseok finished off, ignoring Seungwoo’s pointed look. The door was closed but it didn’t make the entire situation any less humiliating. It seemed that he’d gained back his ability to speak and Wooseok went on rambling, “I didn’t know that I was holding it so tightly… guess I’d underestimated my strength.”

The look on Seungwoo’s face told that he wasn’t buying even the slightest of Wooseok’s claim. For another second or two, he stayed quiet, maybe to sort out his words to not startle the younger one even more. “…that thing isn’t something that could break that easily,” Seungwoo mentioned, doubt apparent in between the lines. “Wooseok—”

Wooseok sputtered, “What are you saying, hyung? I’ve been meaning to change it anyway. It was probably broken or something.” It was a futile attempt of distracting his hyung and trying to explain what had happened. He didn’t sound convincing even to himself.

“I’m fine.” Wooseok said. “It was just carelessness on my part. I guess I was still feeling sleepy this morning. I couldn’t control my strength.” He let out a laugh. _Stale_. _Empty_. “Don’t worry. I was just taken aback by the blood just now that it made me speechless for a moment.”

Seungwoo seemed like he had more to say. But they were both cramped inside the toilet, Wooseok on the seat and the older one crouching in front of him. They couldn’t afford the luxury of having time on their side. There was no schedule planned for the day but they still needed to go down to the company. And what would Seungwoo say to the staff if they see Wooseok’s injury?

Noticing how Seungwoo’s gaze was fixed on his hand, Wooseok insisted, “I’ll talk to them later.” Examining the bandaged part, he tried to calm Seungwoo down, “It’s just a cut.”

“Several cuts.” Seungwoo shot him down. “And you’re still bleeding.”

“I’ll talk to you if it hurts more. If it’s starting to hurt, I mean. Honestly, I don’t feel any pain now.” Wooseok reassured him. After a few moments, he added, “Don’t worry. It happens.”

Seungwoo sighed. For the nth time. There were more to uncover but he, himself was shaken up. As the eldest and their leader, it’s written in the universal law for him to worry. It was like that for his previous group, his family, and it would continue being so for this new one. It’s a part of him now—to care for and protect the rest of his members. Just because Wooseok said that he was fine, it would not get rid of Seungwoo’s concern.

Wooseok’s one of the oldest ones and the kids look up to him. If one of the pillars stumbles, it would invite in more damage—apparent or not, directly or indirectly. But he knew, from experience and his sense alone, that it would not fix the problem if they were to force the conversation.

“We should get Seungyoun,” Seungwoo said. As a suggestion. Wooseok might be more comfortable sharing and talking about this with someone who’s same aged as he is. That and the memories and history he shared together with the second eldest. Seungyoun would want to know what happened personally, that, if Hyeongjun hasn’t told him about him. But Seungwoo doubted that. Hyeongjun is considerate that way. He’d want to ask permission and talk to Wooseok himself first.

“No,” Wooseok shook his head. “Not him.” After a few seconds of silence, he continued, “Not now, anyway.”

“Alright,” Seungwoo finally gave in, “But go and talk to Hyeongjun first. He’s very worried about you. Talk to him, at least.” When Wooseok didn’t respond, Seungwoo squeezed him lightly, “Please? For me?”

Wooseok stared into his leader’s eyes. He couldn’t believe that he was seeing this gaze again, after years of trying to put Jinhoo’s face in the furthest corner in his mind. He couldn’t let this happen again, burying him along with it again. Not this time. And so, he nodded. He could see the tension slowly leaving Seungwoo’s shoulders.

“Thank you, hyung,” Wooseok stretched his lips to form a smile, leaning in to give Seungwoo a hug. The moment their bodies came intact with each other, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. It wasn’t clear, who needed the comfort more at that time.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

** Chapter 2 **

The cuts had faded into fine lines now, across Wooseok’s skin. True to what he’d claim, the cuts weren’t that deep. Still, it didn’t mean that it hurt any less. But of course, Wooseok wouldn’t show that to the rest of the members. Not when their world had spiralled into a series of meetings, tears and cries, of empty promises and broken ones. Of screams and shouts, of subtle glares and swallowed pride, of seeing his leader down on his knees, begging for another chance to prove themselves.

It all fell into nothingness.

And then it was decided—the team was to break up.

It was hard to write about it. It was even harder to live in the moment. To see the younger members packing their stuffs unwillingly, to see the older ones trying to crack jokes to uplift the sullen atmosphere, to hear them breaking down in the comfort of their own room afterwards. To witness Yohan and Hangyul making promises to never forget each other, to make sure their bond carries out despite not being in the same group. To hold Seungyoun’s hands as they were set to apart again, after countless of missed opportunities and lost chances.

It was a dark period, one that Wooseok thought he’d never have to experience again.

But he shouldn’t be weak.

He couldn’t.

Still, it was a lonely fight.

Even when he had tons of people on his side.

* * *

Minsoo sat down on Wooseok’s bed, after carrying boxes of fangifts and letters in his arms up the stairs. He just observed as Wooseok tried to decorate his new room with a calculated glance and some advices when he was prompted to. He wasn’t that good in this stuff, Wooseok should’ve called Yein up instead. The man was put on the rooftop, now neighbours with the baby sun. They both have separate schedules and the walls whispered of Wooseok’s busy days ahead.

He took some time off. He went back to his hometown, reassured his mother that he was done being hurt. He would not let this wound him too. She had cried, had argued that he shouldn’t have gone at all—what she said before, of her fear that he’d get hurt, and now that it had become like this, she had blamed herself. Her sobs for his only son had managed to tear Wooseok’s heart. Yet, he stitched it back because he couldn’t afford to show weakness to his parents, not when they’d given him so much.

Wooseok seemed fine.

Wooseok said that he’s fine. That he’d let the past behind him. That he wanted to be better quicker and to start practising and training at the company. Said that such thing would not stop him. What he promised his parents, he told it to the company, to his group members. He’d come back stronger. He’s stronger than before.

It’s all true, and Minsoo trusts Wooseok that much.

But he couldn’t help but to be worried anyway.

They were a pair.

Contrary to popular beliefs and assumptions, Jinhyuk was closer to the younger ones. He was, indeed is, close to Wooseok as well. How could they not, after spending years and years together? But it was more often that he spent his time with the other members, like exercising and working out with Gyujin, treating Dongyeol to ice creams and joining in Hwanhee’s random burst of energy in the dorm. Going out on walks and friendly dates with Yein, at the same time arguing with him about trivial things.

Minsoo and Wooseok were a pair.

They practiced together, sang together. Stood on the stage together for years. Started composing together. Promised to release those songs together. Had both competed about it, and once it becomes a reality, they’d get Yein to choose whose song he’d like to sing more.

They were a pair like that.

Although they never stopped contacting each other during the span of Wooseok’s other promotion, it was still different to see him being so close to him like this. His absence felt like a fever dream but now that Wooseok was within his reach, after knowing personally how the disbandment affected his dear friend, Minsoo didn’t know what to say.

Minsoo saw him there, and it was still too much to bear.

Would he be stupid to love him?

Would he be reckless to help?

“I saw your hands.” Minsoo said. One step. He’d crossed the line. “It looks—”

“It’s better now,” Wooseok interrupted. “Don’t worry,” He insisted, played it cool by flexing his healed palm to show to his group member. Seeing Minsoo’s concerned gaze, Wooseok just smiled in return. Minsoo was quiet and understanding, even when he’s scolding Wooseok of not taking care of himself. Wooseok was thankful for him but he didn’t know how far he could go without hurting Minsoo as well.

He felt like he was taking it for granted, the way he confided in him.

Minsoo is stronger than him.

But how long can he be strong for the both of them?

Seeing Jinhoo’s heart shattering when he saw Wooseok breaking down in Top Media’s practice room was hard. Jinhoo had blamed himself, saying hurtful words like he’d failed as a leader, that he was sorry for not being able to do more for Wooseok. That he couldn’t protect him from the threats and judgement from insolent keyboard comments.

Listening to Seungwoo stumbling and trying not to break down himself was hard. Seungwoo had been through the same, had dealt with it before, and to let him revisit the wound was cruel. Back when Seungwoo asked from Chan about Sooil’s contact number in hushed murmurs and stuttering words, in the harsh whisper of the night, the VICTON member gave Minsoo’s contact instead. Said it’s better to let Minsoo handles this.

It was never easy when Wooseok showed his vulnerability to his loved ones. The reason why he hides it from Seungwoo, Seungyoun, or Yohan and even Hangyul, and especially the younger members. The reason why he smiled the first time he stepped into UP10TION’s dorm after the long months he was away, receiving Jinhyuk’s warm hug and comforting the maknae who cried for him. Even letting Hwanhee off the hook when the main vocalist went out of his way to try and ‘cheer up’ his Wooseok hyung.

Wooseok was way steps further from where he started.

He was healing in his own way, his own pace.

But what happened a few months back, when Minsoo received a call from an unknown number, telling him about a certain person who had crushed something unlikely in his hand with his bare force, Minsoo’s fear was heightened. It came back in flashes of black and white—sitting down with Wooseok in front of his therapist’s door, sending him off for the audition programme, watching him crying for himself, his fans and Jinhyuk in a square screen on a national broadcast.

Seeing Wooseok coming back unscathed from his vacation, when he jokingly argued with the company’s youngest group for a session to use the practice room, when he smiled and laughed and insisted that he’d be fine, that he was fine.

It wasn’t stupid to love him. It was inevitable anyway.

He noticed it in subtle moments of their years together—late night practices and Wooseok’s satisfied grin as he successfully got a move correct in one try without Changhyun having to teach him. As he saw Wooseok in his natural habitat—singing and performing on stage, talking to their fans like they’re his friends (and sometimes flirting too much with them). The moments he spent with Wooseok, in the company’s studio, writing lyrics and then messing up the harmonies with Wooseok on the keyboard and Minsoo with his guitar. Laughing when Yein ‘complained’ that their noise disturbed his singing practice before he went inside and joined them.

It was reckless of him to try and help. Even when it’d cost him his heart in return.

He knew Wooseok is strong. Everyone knows that. They know of his previous wounds, and this fresh one. He was still hurting from words and jeers, from higher ups who sneakily pushed the dreamers to save themselves. Minsoo was aware of this, had listened to Wooseok’s words personally and directly as he promised that he would not succumb to this obstacle.

Wooseok would be okay.

It was reckless of him. Yes, he knew, as he continued and intervened.

As he couldn’t let Wooseok drown again.

“Have you contacted _him_ after leaving the dorm?”

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

** Chapter 3 **

Love is a weird thing. An emotion Wooseok tried not to pay attention to when he was preparing for his debut, when he was practicing for every evaluation rounds, even when he stood on the platform, greeting the public after it was announced that he was the first runner up for the fourth instalment of the Produce series.

It was distracting and blinding. It was scary how someone could bare themselves like that for love, in front of love. He knew of the many sides of love—the good and the bad ones.

He saw how ugly love could be—when a slight error in sight could be a reason to wish death upon someone. When love was better untouched because it would not go anywhere, when five years was too much of a gap and both parties would never acknowledge the emotion they’d shared. They were young and thoughtless and the lingering glances and quiet support were not enough to endure before the mass hate. Love is too quick to give up too.

He knew how amazing and effortless love gets, when two compatible souls, despite distances and complications could come as one. Even when they did not realise it—he knew love when he sees one—and it was evident in the way Wonjin cares for Hyeongjun from Day One, how Yuri and Baekjin make bad decisions together, how tight the bond is between Kookheon and Yuvin, Seungwoo and Byungchan, even him and Jinhyuk. How the Woollimz do everything together, ride or die.

Love was also evident in the recklessness and wildness that is Lee Jinhyuk and Choi Byungchan. Two chaotic souls that Wooseok could not trade for anything in this world. They work differently and yet so similar, and their shared love was dizzying and worrying, for Wooseok was afraid looking at how brave and ready they were when it comes to them against the world. Those two were, are, menaces, his menaces to deal with.

In the quietness yet busy practice rooms, spaces that bustled with sighs of tiredness and yelps of encouragement, Wooseok could recognise love when he sees one. He saw it in the reflection of an old memory, in one man he kept bumping onto, and said man orbiting everyone’s space and giving them his sunlight and positive energy. He loves deeply as well, but it wasn’t right to act upon it. They love in silence but it was alarming and dangerous, and Wooseok doesn’t think he could do love when he no longer has his own heart.

And right now, another love that he’s receiving, it is uplifting and reviving. But even that love owns a darker side he was afraid to see—when they were possessive and greedy, when petitions were signed and building walls were vandalised, and he saw how love gave in despite its wants.

* * *

“Have you contacted _him_ after leaving the dorm?”

It was such a simple question. One he could answer in so many ways without considering its complications. Minsoo could’ve meant anyone after all, there were 10 other persons living with him for the past months. But Wooseok couldn’t help the pause in his hand, how he momentarily forgot how to breathe, how the task of arranging his favourite colognes on the dresser was left forgotten.

Wooseok stared at Minsoo who had a straight face on. It wasn’t a question aimed to attack him, Wooseok knew. But he felt cornered anyway. After the obvious hesitation, Wooseok went back to his task. “Why are you asking about this?” He asked.

Minsoo just shrugged.

After Wooseok completed his task, he went towards Minsoo and sat down next to him on the bed. ‘ _Are we having this conversation now_?’ he thought inwardly. “Why are you asking?” He asked again, anything to buy him some time because he knew Minsoo wouldn’t stop at his unanswered question. He was positively overbearing like this and Wooseok could never live to disappoint Minsoo. If it was Jinhyuk asking, he was sure to leave an imprint of his leg on the taller guy, probably on his ribs. But this was Minsoo.

“It’s because I have a feeling that you didn’t.”

“And what about it?” Wooseok replied with another question. “If I hadn’t talked to him after what happened.”

Minsoo sighed, “You guys aren’t fighting, Wooseok. Why would you not talk to someone you obviously love?” And this would be another characteristic of Minsoo, he wasn’t afraid to put Wooseok in his place and call him out. When his other members would be too busy to gauge his responses even if they do have the balls to ask, Minsoo was direct and straightforward.

Wooseok knew it was fruitless to avoid it any longer.

“We didn’t.” He answered, “Personally, at least. We talked in the group chat with the other members. They’re planning to go to Hangyul’s and Dohyon’s fan meeting.” It was not a surprise that he was comfortable of talking about this with Minsoo, and so he sorted his thoughts for a while. Minsoo waited by playing with a plush toy he took from Wooseok’s bed.

“Will you come?” Minsoo asked after a beat of silence.

“I have something up that day.” He sighed. “I’ll probably go to Seungwoo hyung’s though.”

“Will you ever talk to him about it?”

Wooseok stared at his opened palm. The shards of the glass he’d jammed into his skin left some obvious lines, albeit the skin now being smooth and healed. Closing his fist, he shrugged, “I didn’t want to show him that side of me.”

He thought of a hunched shoulder, of broken words, and hurtful cries that pierced the empty night in the dorm. Hangyul and Dohyon had left, so did Eunsang, Yohan and Dongpyo. Seungyoun wanted to be the last to leave, because he couldn’t afford leaving the younger members alone in the place that was used to be so packed with conversations and memories.

“He has so much going on.” Wooseok continued, voice quiet as he relayed his deepest thought to his best friend. “It wouldn’t be fair to trouble him with mine.”

“Is that not what people who love each other supposed to do? You share all the good and the bad together?” Minsoo was relentless.

Love, in a way, could be selfless and yet so aggressive. Wooseok didn’t know what prompted Minsoo to nudge Wooseok in this direction, when both of them knew what his confession had entailed, the one he had whispered in an empty dorm kitchen, right before Wooseok entered the audition programme. Maybe, Wooseok decided, love was foolish in a way that it was sweet.

“Are you worried about me, Kogyeol-ah?” Wooseok asked, shifting to Minsoo’s stage name to air out the awkwardness.

“When will I ever not be, Wooshin-ah,” Minsoo countered back. They laughed. “I know you have everything under control, your emotions and your future plan, Seok-ah,” His composure returned, tone now laced with firmness again without making everything sound so rigid and serious. This felt like another conversation, and not one that was confronting Wooseok’s supressed feelings.

“But are you sure you will be satisfied with just this?”

“Maybe it wasn’t meant to be in the beginning.”

Minsoo scoffed, denying is like Wooseok’s default response now. “Do you love him?”

“Love is weird. Being in love is weird.” Wooseok said instead of answering him a yes or a no. “I don’t know if I suit to have this feeling.” And before Minsoo could interrupt him, Wooseok continued, “I no longer think that it’s a weakness to be in love. But I don’t think it matches me.”

“Everyone is deserving of love, to feel loved and be in love.” Minsoo sighed. “Haven’t we gone through this?”

Hearing Minsoo’s sigh was enough to make Wooseok chuckle. “It’s not that,” He addressed, quickly explaining, “I don’t feel like that anymore.” Self-deprecating and doubt had no longer visited Wooseok. Emptiness and the feeling of everything falling apart, unfortunately yes, as it happened in the closest month before, but he knew and appreciated the love he receives. The momentary relapse wasn’t due to the lack of love, or him feeling that he was undeserving of such attention from people.

“I just hate seeing him sad.” Wooseok confessed. “Even when he saw this,” He motioned to his hand, “He looked so miserable. I’m tired of seeing those expressions. I hate it a lot. Not only on him, but everyone around me, you, Jinhoo hyung, Seungwoo hyung…”

“Are you not going to tell him?”

“He probably knows.”

“And he loves you too, right, Wooseok-ah?” Wooseok didn’t know why Minsoo was adamant on hurting himself like this. He shook his head, didn’t want to be a cause of another heartache, as if he hadn’t already made a tear in Minsoo’s heart. He didn’t know how long Minsoo would be able to love him selflessly like this. “I think that you should go for it. It’s been a long time coming.”

“For what?” The soft whirring of the fan accompanied the silence. “And at what cost?”

“For your happiness.” A smile. The same smile Minsoo had flashed him during their first meeting years ago. Sweet and welcoming, feels just like home. Wooseok wanted to ask, ‘ _what about your happiness?_ ’ but he didn’t want to risk knowing the answer. But it seemed that Minsoo needed no explanation. The older man understood Wooseok’s concern and continued, “For your happiness and for my closure.”

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

** Chapter 4 **

Minsoo gave him an assignment, as ridiculous and funny it sounded.

“Talk to him,” He told Wooseok, “Don’t be a coward like me.”

When Wooseok looked at him sadly, Minsoo shook his head. He’d already come to terms with his own feelings. “I don’t ever want you to wake up feeling miserable. And I feel that, you’re so much happier when you’re with him. Not that I’m putting your happiness accountable on him only, no, but I just want you to live your life.”

Wooseok had been blessed by being surrounded with great company since forever. He has his close friends, two family of groups he could never give up for, his parents, and those who’ve been with him for the longest period of time, like his trainers and his fans. They pushed him to be a better person. He had nothing to be afraid of, not when he had hit rock bottom and had survived it, not once, but twice.

It was these people’s hands that had pulled him back to life.

“You’re not a coward, Minsoo.” Wooseok told him, smiling bitterly. It was him who was hurting Minsoo more, but he couldn’t help but feeling the sentiment as well. “You’re one of the bravest souls I know. Will you be there for me? Even if I’m a bastard who doesn’t know how to appreciate things?”

“You’ve done more than enough in appreciating me, Seok-ah. You’ve lived, you’ve carried and moved on from your wounds. You’ve shown how strong you are, how deserving you are of love and blessings. When you stood on the last stage, with your head up high, heck, when you’d decided to fight for yourself, you make me so proud, you know.”

“Thank you,” He whispered to his friend. When he brought Minsoo up to help him with his stuff, he didn’t expect them to have this conversation. He didn’t expect that he would be this excited to do something so dangerously wild and illogical. When Minsoo bared his heart for him like this, Wooseok felt the urge to tell Seungyoun his feelings too.

“Thank you,” He said again, not feeling that it was sufficient.

“No,” Minsoo shook his head, “Thank _you_. Now go on, and get your guy!”

* * *

It was easier said than done.

He had Seungyoun’s KKT chat opened—and their last message before the disbandment happened greeted him. It was him thanking Seungyoun for getting him food while he was out with the younger ones. Wooseok was in his hibernating mood and played LOL in his computer all day long, when Seungyoun messaged him, saying that he’d left something for him on the kitchen counter before retreating back to his own floor.

Seungyoun showed his love in subtle actions like this. But it didn’t make things any easier for Wooseok to receive.

And so, the assignment was held off for far too long.

Hangyul and Dohyon had their fan meeting and several members had come. Their KKT group chat was a burst of congratulatory messages and thanks from the members. It seemed that everyone had a great time and it was melancholy how they could’ve been celebrating it together. They shine the brightest when they’re together, and when Minhee, the loyal audience said something along the lines of ‘they’re all together in their hearts’, everyone joined in the fun to tease while agreeing with him.

When it was Seungwoo’s turn to have his fan meeting, Wooseok had come as he promised. And when he saw Seungyoun’s message, saying that he wouldn’t be able to go, he tried to tell himself that it was fine. There’d be other chances to meet. He didn’t need any fan meeting as an excuse to go out and talk to Seungyoun. He has his number, and they have a too elaborated of a history to be ignored.

But when Seungyoun came with Yohan, sheepish grins on their faces albeit hidden well by masks, Wooseok felt like his heart was coming out of his body. They greeted Seungwoo in the backstage, he had a few minutes talking to Byungchan who was freaking out for him (as a self-proclaimed best friend, Byungchan gets updated with this kind of news—after Jinhyuk heard Minsoo’s conversation with him and told his counterpart about it), and Wooseok felt like he was running out of time.

He heard Seungyoun telling someone about his plan for the night and before Wooseok could pull him over to the side to say something, the older man had left the venue with Yohan.

He felt miserable about it but he couldn’t help thinking that it was funny as well.

Before this, he wouldn’t even dare to talk about his feelings with Seungyoun, let alone addressing where they stand right now. He knew of Seungyoun’s heart and his obvious affection towards Wooseok—it was ever evident in how his glances lingered and how he wished him good night in that stupid sweet tone of his, only for Wooseok’s ears before he left with another man.

Seungwoo had patted Wooseok’s back, smiling a knowing grin. “I’m so glad,” He said, no context whatsoever as he reached for Wooseok’s hand. “Thank you, Wooseok.”

When he saw Wooseok’s confused face, Seungwoo confessed, “I have always been worried about you. Even before our group… even before _it_ happened,” He rephrased, the topic of their disbandment still a sore subject for them. “After we went our separate ways, you’re always in my mind—no, I’m not confessing to you right now,” Seungwoo laughed, eyes crinkling and dimples showing, and Wooseok wasn’t completely disregarding Seungwoo’s possibility to confess to him right now.

“You’re looking so much better, Wooseok-ah.”

This, Wooseok could agree with. After the rooftop conversation with Minsoo, he took some time off to think again—resorting his mind, going back to his darkest thoughts. He realised, even admitted to it verbally, that he didn’t want to burden Seungyoun with his heavy past. And so, he went for more sessions of therapy. He was already doing better in 2019, but the events with the company and the negative attention from the media, as well as the once-potential disbandment had caused him some stress.

He went back to composing, got himself a puppy, and life was pretty much different from then on. Still lonely, but that wasn’t something that couldn’t be fixed. If Jinhyuk was around, Wooseok would go and play around in his room while making Byungchan jealous. If Jinhyuk was being extra annoying, Wooseok would travel down to meet his other members. He’d watch Yein get invested in cooking and vlogs, tease Minsoo and Gyujin for their newfound friendship and so on.

Wooseok practices too, and even if his own fan meeting was constantly being pushed back due to inevitable circumstances, he keeps himself prepared by going to dance classes and vocal trainings. Like foreseen events, he was getting booked on advertisements and drama offers.

He gets busier and yet, his heart felt unsettled. He had some unfinished business after all.

And when a message came, from someone he’d never thought would come, his busy world came to a screeching halt.

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

** Chapter 5 **

For someone as social as he was, Seungyoun had chosen a quiet place to talk. Cliché it might be, but they just finished from going on a drive, had gotten some food as snacks at the nearest convenience store, and parked somewhere private. Across them was the Han River, and from time to time, some people on their night walk could be seen from Seungyoun’s car.

They had the formalities done— _how have you been? What have you been preparing for? How are the other members?_ Things like that, catching up, as much as they could. It had been several months now and Wooseok still couldn’t believe that their group had broken up just like that. It felt like yesterday when he could just go to Seungyoun at any time, for anything. There was almost no gap between them.

But with the disbandment and the sudden distance it brought along, it was hard to even see Seungyoun’s face.

Although some people might not agree, take Hangyul and Yohan for example, those who’ve already gone out with Seungyoun multiple times since they had gone separated ways. Even Eunsang and their manager, who’d frequented Seungyoun’s studio a lot. Wooseok felt left behind, but he had no one to blame. It was him who pretended not to read the lines when Seungyoun posted about his schedule in the group chat.

But the moment it was just the two of them, Wooseok realised that nothing had really changed. Seungyoun still greeted him with a big smile, he looked even more attractive with his bare face, bangs hidden under a beanie, mask brought down to enable him to eat the fried chicken they’d gotten from the store.

Wooseok doesn’t like chicken that much but he compromised. It was enough to see Seungyoun feasting on the instant food anyway, even though he grumbled about having to burn out the fat in the gym next morning. His little comment reminded Wooseok of Seungyoun’s posts on social media when he goes to the gym. He felt his face heating up and looked away to calm his raging heartbeat.

“You’re quiet.” Seungyoun commented.

“I’m always quiet,” Wooseok replied, still not looking at Seungyoun’s face.

Seungyoun chuckled, and Wooseok tried so hard not to turn and look at him. “No, you’re not.” Seungyoun said, “Not with me, at least.” Well, that might be true, Wooseok admitted. Something in their dynamics made it easy for Wooseok to talk with him, to match his gag code, to entertain his jokes. It had always been easy with Seungyoun.

“Something in your mind?”

“We have known each other for quite a while, right?” Wooseok began.

Something shifted in Seungyoun. He quickly dusted off his hands and wiped it with a tissue that came with the food. After he was done, he hummed since Wooseok had gone on another silence streak after saying those words. “Well, yeah,” Seungyoun agreed, “We’ve seen each other since college, no, even before that in music shows and recordings.”

It brought a smile to Seungyoun’s face. “We were very young when we first started. Look at us now, look at you now, your face is everywhere.”

Wooseok smiled, he finally looked at Seungyoun and noticed the funny look he had. Like he’d been starstruck or something. Nevertheless, it was an endearing expression Seungyoun had. He added, “You had striking red hair at a point, and were always wearing short sleeves and pants. You were so cute.” His hand came forward to attempt to pinch Wooseok’s cheek but it was slapped before it could reach him.

“Shut up,” Wooseok rolled his eyes, “You had mint hair!”

“And?” Seungyoun challenged, “I still look good, didn’t I?”

Seungyoun got him there. He was probably aware that Wooseok had always admired him, even when they hadn’t known each other aside from their names and the groups they belonged to. Just to see Seungyoun’s reaction, Wooseok decided to tease him a bit, “Yeah, and what’s wrong with that?”

The older man just laughed, despite being surprised that Wooseok hadn’t denied it as what he thought.

Wooseok felt nervous suddenly, after their laughter died down and silence overrode the conversation once more. “What is it, Wooseokie?” Seungyoun prompted after more moment had passed between them. “You’re making me anxious here.” The chill from the AC didn’t help, as well as the cold weather outside of their shelter.

“I,” Wooseok started, “We’ve known each other a long time already,” He repeated. Seungyoun nodded his head to show that he was listening. “And I’m not wrong to think that something…is going on between us, right?”

Seungyoun took a deep breath. He seemed overwhelmed with the direction of their conversation. ‘ _Could it finally be happening?_ ’ He thought to himself, his entire stomach starting to churn, twist and turn with how long Wooseok took to continue. His chest felt heavy too as Wooseok took his sweet, sweet time reorganising his words. Seungyoun could wait, he’d waited far too long to rush this.

“Seungyoun?” Wooseok called, “ _Right_?”

He looked at Wooseok, realising that he’d been directing a question at him. Looking at the younger one, he could see that he was even more affected that Seungyoun. _Of course_ , to muster up the courage to talk about their relationship, after playing it so casual and pretending that they hadn’t looked at each other like lovers do, of course Wooseok would be a bit insecure that Seungyoun wasn’t replying or showing any reaction.

“Wooseok,” Seungyoun croaked out, “Yes…” He didn’t know what he was saying ‘yes’ to but he did. And it was enough for Wooseok. He nodded and looked ahead once more. Seeing his reaction, Seungyoun frowned. This didn’t feel like a love confession—was Wooseok finally giving up on him?

“Hey, hey,” He pulled Wooseok’s hand, soft and gentle, as if Wooseok would break if he’d tugged firmer. “Hey… why are you crying?” He asked, noticing the tears falling onto Wooseok’s cheek. He wasn’t fully crying but with every drop of his tear, his eyes glistened back. Screw not crying, Wooseok was trying so hard not to sob loudly inside the car. “What’s going on? What’s wrong, Wooseokie?”

Wooseok was quiet as Seungyoun moved forward to engulf him in a hug. Little pats accompanied Seungyoun’s hold and it lulled Wooseok back to calmness. _What a wonder_ … Just Seungyoun’s small touch could anchor him back. Wooseok felt like he owed Seungyoun an explanation even more after his tears. He gathered up his feelings again and opened up, “I felt like I haven’t been honest with you.”

The producer remained quiet, creating space for Wooseok to continue. Wooseok pulled away from the hug and looked at Seungyoun straight in the eyes. “I do…like you, Seungyoun. A lot.”

“But?” Seungyoun asked, feeling like it was an unfinished statement. He didn’t want to get his hope high again—lord, what if he embarrassed himself when exactly, Wooseok was trying to dump him because it took him years to even tell him how he felt. Maybe Wooseok was tired of their uncertainty, maybe he didn’t need Seungyoun anymore, and that they should stop meeting like this, just the two of them?

“Hey, don’t look at me like that,” Wooseok shook his hand. Then only he’d realised that the younger one had intertwined their hands together. Seungyoun couldn’t help the blush that appeared on his face. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Not my fault that it sounded like that,” Seungyoun was talking in pout language and it was too adorable that Wooseok had chuckled at his reaction. But Seungyoun couldn’t take his curiousity any longer. “What’s wrong, Wooseokie? You were saying,” He urged on.

“I do like you,” Wooseok continued, eyes casted down and a sad smile on his face. Seungyoun wanted so badly to turn it into a happy smile but he let Wooseok tending to his own feelings first. Wooseok continued, “But, for a long time, it was hard for me to deal with myself. I don’t trust people easily, not after what happened last time. And it was hard for me think that I deserve people’s love.”

_Ah_.

“Do you still feel like that?” Seungyoun asked.

“Not anymore.” Wooseok confessed. “I am better now. I talked to a professional, have been talking to them for the past few year,” He paused, gauging Seungyoun’s reaction. When he wasn’t met with judgement, and instead a supporting smile and a nod of a head, Wooseok resumed, “Even when I hurt my hand last time, it came back, the bad thoughts I had in my head. I lost control of it, and I blacked out.”

“Tell me you’re okay now,” Seungyoun muttered lowly, more like a whisper to himself, “It hurts seeing you get hurt.”

“I’m fine now.” Wooseok tried to assure him once more. “It was bad last time. Like, really, really bad—like I felt miserable all the time, you know, and sleeping was so, so much better than breathing. Words on the screen, everything turn to jeers and sneers, even the ones that wish me well and tried to protect me. All I could see was pitch black. I had never felt so powerless and hated in my whole life. I wanted to disappear and never come back.”

“But you did,” Seungyoun trailed, “Come back, you came back stronger, didn’t you, Wooseokie?”

Seungyoun was crying for him. Tears he couldn’t contain, not when he imagined how Wooseok was feeling before. He knew, he knew it very well, like it was an old friend of him too. Seungyoun had gone on a few episodes of those darkness himself. It wasn’t his proudest moments, but he could relate to Wooseok’s struggle back then.

It was Wooseok’s turn to wipe Seungyoun’s tears. For someone so much bigger in size compared to him, Seungyoun was even more of a baby than him. But Wooseok couldn’t bring himself to tease Seungyoun for crying, not when he was the reason behind his tears.

“I kinda know, but I didn’t want to assume,” Even when he’d suspected it, it still didn’t get easier listening to Wooseok saying it himself. Seungyoun’s voice was soft, barely audible along the rum of his car. The soft playlist he’d chosen didn’t help in clearing out the atmosphere. However, it didn’t feel as depressing as it sounded. Hard for the both of them, yes, but he was glad that they could have this conversation, even if it was long overdue.

“I had experienced it myself, Wooseokie. You’ve heard my songs, haven’t you?” He reached out to hold Wooseok’s hands which were caressing his cheeks. He pressed them lightly on his lips, taking in Wooseok’s scent and his heart.

“Yeah,” Wooseok nodded. He’d heard them alright, had cried along to it. As Seungyoun’s songs speak to him in an intimate level. He felt that they were his songs as well. He had once felt that life was meaningless—had questioned why he kept on holding on when no one seemed to be on his side. His rationality was clouded by the thoughts of disappearing. It was hard.

Seungyoun then continued, “It’s how I overcame it. I don’t know if I’m completely healed but I’m in a much better place than I had been. I have you guys, I have the fans. I am no longer lonely. I look forward to the future now,” He added, “I don’t dread them anymore. I feel like I’ve found my end of the tunnel. I feel comforted when I listen to the rain now.”

Wooseok never thought that he could feel such love and reassurance from someone’s mere words. He was very happy for Seungyoun. It was weird that he didn’t feel jealous or any ache to hear how happy and contented Seungyoun was at the moment. It made him feel better about himself, in some ways. This is how Seungyoun works, it was exhilarating how he could transfer his energy to someone else like this.

“No one wishes to have dark days and sleepless nights, Wooseok.” He gripped Wooseok’s hand lightly but it felt like he’d given him the universe. This was suffocating, a numbness so different from what Wooseok usually felt. “It wasn’t your choice. But you’re doing better now, yeah?”

“Much better,” Wooseok admitted.

“Then, it’s all that matters. We’ll continue to get better in the future, the both of us.”

“It’s not wrong for me to lean on you, right?” Wooseok asked. “Because a friend said that I shouldn’t bear it all alone. And that I should share with you everything good, and even the bad side of me.”

“Of course, Wooseok. I am here for you, for all the scars and the laughter. In times of sadness and happiness, I am here, to heal together with you. When you feel that life is unfair and hard, when you think that no light can shine on you, I’ll be your sun. I’ll be everything you ever need, everything you ever wanted. I’m sorry that I had taken so long to be here…” He chuckled, hand scratching the back of his head guiltily, “I was just nervous that you might not feel the same.”

“Is it bad that I want to kiss you right now?”

Seungyoun’s whole face flushed into a shader of red. He palmed his face with his hands, taking a distance away from Wooseok, as much as he could in the cramped space of his car. His back thudded against the door as he flailed around in embarrassment. “You can’t just say that! We were talking about something so serious!”

“I thought that the conversation was over?” Wooseok pried Seungyoun’s hands away from his face. “Hey, stop hiding your face! Aren’t you supposed to be the one who’s braver between us?”

“I just cried for you, Wooseok. You can’t just ask to kiss me like that? I haven’t even confessed yet.”

_Well_.

Wooseok tilted his head to the side. “Finally?”

“What do you mean, finally?” Seungyoun whined, “I was the one who called you to meet up, didn’t I? I wasn’t the one who avoided someone who they supposed to like.”

“Yeah, but I doubted that you asked me out to confess to me. You probably just want to see my face.”

“I missed you, I miss you even now, what’s wrong with that? I know you miss me too, but you didn’t spare me a glance even during Seungwoo hyung’s fan meeting. And not a single text from you too. I thought you like me, Wooseokie?”

“I had a lot on my mind,” Wooseok argued back, “You’re everywhere I see even if you weren’t there physically. You had countless of photoshoots lately, and everything was so—don’t laugh—you’re distracting me.”

“Tell me why I like you, we’re both miserable like this,” Seungyoun sighed, feigning frustration when in reality, he just wanted to see Wooseok blushing too. In an ideal picture, Wooseok is put onto a pedestal, he’s confident and brave, he’s strong, and he’s a pillar of his own. That is all true, but Wooseok is very much human too. He gets hurt and he aches.

Wooseok was still pouting when Seungyoun decided to surprise him a peck on the lips. Something light, and even those split-second contact had his heart almost bursting. It was unhealthy how much he likes the other man. Seungyoun was still clutching his own chest when Wooseok’s arms snaked around his neck, pulling him in for a proper kiss.

Before their lips could touch, Wooseok whispered against his skin, “Thank you for everything.”

Seungyoun stared into Wooseok’s dark orbs. There was hurt and wants in them, all the good and all the bad. He could see a universe in it, and he still loves so deeply. “You’re everything I wanted, Wooseok. Thank for choosing me to be yours.”

“Can I call you mine?” Wooseok asked, hearts now on his sleeves.

“As long as I have you too.” And with that, they sealed their promise in a kiss.

* * *


End file.
